Addicted

They are always there. Always calling to me, at school, at parties, and even with my closest friends.

“Come on babe,” they’ll say, “just grab that pair of scissors from your backpack, go to the bathroom, and we can play around for a little while.” I try to remain focused on whatever the task is at hand, but they continue to seduce me.

“You know you want to,” they’ll say. I tell them to wait until tonight to ease them, and as the stern voice weakens to murmurs, I can still hear them.

I continue through my day, soothing the cries with the phrase “just wait until tonight.” My long sleeve itches my arm, but I must hide all evidence of the presence of these monsters.
At the end of the day, after spending time with family, and as everyone begins to settle down for a long deserved rest, the voices begin to unease. “You promised us. Don’t forget that, or you’ll be sorry.”

My parents tuck me in, wishing me a good nights rest, and as they slowly shut my door, those voices rejoice with delight. I, myself, fill with a bit of joy as I climb out of the covers, crouch down, and pull the small box out from under my bed. They go silent, waiting in anticipation.

I climb back in bed and set down the box. I pull off the lid to be greeted by the same sight as the night before. The dim light from my lamps glimmers off the blade inside. I pull it out, set it beside me, and roll up my sleeves, staring at the carnage. They begin to unease, and whisper all sorts of things. “You are so worthless.” “You deserve this.” “No one cares, just do it!”

These cascading cries continue as I reach for the blade. So small and beautiful, I slowly pick it up between my thumb and middle finger. The cries begin to contort into whimpers as I press the sharp edge against my wrist. I begin to go to work, carving line after line. As the blood begins to run down my arm, they sigh with a sense of relief. I do this for a while, until my arm is full of red lines of all lengths and sizes.

I set the blade down, as they say “you did good.” A tear rolls down my cheek, as I once again realize how addicted I really am.